Monday, 17 April 2017

Re-battle.

Salam.

There's a time i really wanna utter all what i felt inside, but I couldn't express it well now. And knowing myself, i've been trying hard to keep my thought to myself only, because I don't want to sound like a weak, clingy and bragging girl especially when I'm reaching 20's. I should become  less dependent to others and learn to stand alone strongly.

I kept all my sorrows and sad feelings. I shut it down from my parents. My sister knew a bit. My brother know none. I'd rather show my joy and laugh with them, because I really have no heart to let them know about all my struggles i had to endure. People hurts me, so much. I learnt from the hard way. I swallowed it. Back at home, i shared what makes me happy while i am away from them. 

Untill this recently event happened, when my Ibu realised, I haven't talk to them something deep, or let them know if i'm having hard times. I froze. Not knowing how to start. My chest hurts. "Ayah kata dya tak pernah nak share apa apa" "Lepasni kalau ada apa apa, ceritalah" 
It hurts...
so much...


Gawd idk how to picture this feeling out but goddamnit what have i done? For the first time i felt so guilty for letting myself to become something that turned out to hurt my own family's heart? I really thought this might be a good thing for myself but that's where i totally went wrong. 
I neglected other's feelings. The closest one. My own family.

And frankly speaking, what hurts the most is, i shut everything tightly and now i'm struggle to re-open everything back. It hurts. I want to tell them how hard it was for me back then and what i've went  through everything, i wanted to tell them i cried everynight because i'm hurting but i really find that's hard. Idk how. I felt so much sorry for my parents. I'm feeling that i was such a bad daughter to them. All because I don't want to make my parents worry over me. 


Things are so messy right now. I'm starting to battle with myself back. But this time, i  became drained easily. I need to hold this down a little longer, than before ;((