Sunday, 2 April 2017

The line.


This's gonna be so random to spill my tea pasal antara kekeluargaan dengan persahabatan. And noted, i'm talking this entirely about me. No one involved for the long time i have thought about this.

Honestly, aku tak boleh nak nafikan yang aku sememangnya seorang yang kasih dekat family more than anything. Yes, i am a clingy daughter to my parents and a clingy sister to both my older sister and younger brother. We had a very close bond between each other which i dearly love them so so unconditionally.

Growing up as a shy and an introvert, i hate crowded. I can't recall i have bestfriend during i was a kid bcs i literally really move around all alone and by myself, not knowing how to make one. I was dissed by other, i am ugly back then, i am not a silver spoon kind of family , and to make it worse i really didnt know how mingle and blend with others. Thats the beginning of my dark phase which i really hate talking with people around me except my family. 

Thank god, masa sekolah menengah i had this one girl yang extrovert approached me and we became bestfriend immediately bcs miracle-ly we get along very well yes my izzati. I learnt to make friend and adapt with others with izzati by my side. And from that point, i gained friends. From nugu to somebody. I had good times during 13-15 yrs old. But those happy times tak lasts long. I went through hell storms and hurricanes when i went to boarding school. My 2nd dark phase begun. I changed 180 deg. But God make us went through hardships so that we can turned out to be more stronger and wiser than before, with the saying goes 'Rainbow after storms', i got into PLKN after high school ended with such memorable experiences, friends and environmental. 

And make it to, Uitm Perak . Holy shit im off from the track very far. And here come i want to talk about this thing. Why do we often hurts someone we loved than we don't?. It hurts me, to realised it by now. After what i've done all this time. I am so ashamed of myself. 

Eventhough imma a family-girl but there's times i became so hard headed. Yes, i had bad thoughts, i cursed a lot, too, i had guts to raise my voice to my parents when things don't go my way or meet my expectation, gawd im teary so hard to not let any sobs out from my mouth.  My parents always sabr, to handle this stoned-heart girl, and never tired to say i'm still their lil girl while embracing me in their arms, comfort me when i whined over small things. I hate myself. I'm such a nuisance.

And things rarely happen when i am with my circle. Yes, sometimes we also having fights, normal but it's not that bad as i acted ugly-ly with my family. We also had times yang kita terasa but do we let tjem know? Me no. Then after that, things back to normal. Except for one single person i won't spill her name here. 

By now, i became heartless to other people except my family. I don't give a damn if they hurt me bcs i had no energy to fight them back then need to ask for forgiveness i literally drained from doing that thing for quite a long time. Malas. Lantak kau lah. Dah besar. People around always gives me feeling yang im better off alone. Aku tak hurt kau dan kau pun takkan hurt aku. Thats how i thought . Mean? Yes. Say what you want. Cuma ramai kata, dalam dunia ni kita tak boleh hidup sendiri maka orang lain yang wujud dalam dunia aku sekadar syarat je untuk hidup aku. Except families, and adalah beberapa orang aku boleh anggap dia part of hidup aku, taknak spill nama.

Thats it, i draw the line. Aku nak jaga family aku more than anything, semua yang pernah ada dengan aku dulu dah beransur pergi one by one, sebab apa? Takpe, biar aku je yang hold the reason . Just like we always heard, 'people come and go'. 

This's not the end but i gotta put an end here or I will get drench with my own tears.