the real beauty.

Salam.

It's 2017 , for god sake.
How time flies, quickly.

so, i read almost everywhere people shared their resolution everytime new year approaches us.

and to be very honest,

i don't really bother about having one , before this.
not even once in my lifetime,
i ever made myself to have resolutions so that i'll work for it.


but maybe , twice at least kot lah?
during i had upsr and pmr.
which i determined to get straight a's .
tu je. hahaahhahha k.

but then , something hit me quite hard.
i blogwalked after a while .
reads a good piece from my mutual.

i found it's beautiful.

"my resolution is, to be a beautiful girl"

and i was like, whut.


"beautiful inside and out"


ok. twas , good. then.


then something striked inside my mind which,
"that's a humble resolution. really is"

nothing like,
" i want to study smart so that i get a decent job"
"i want to make more money than the last time i earned"
"i want to travel all around the world by myself"

which my point,
it doesnt costs you money
but maybe, costs you a  huge effort.

i adore her resolution.

being pretty is nothing if your attitude is totally the opposite.

i saw that.
thats very common when you hit 20's.

pretty girl everywhere.
but yknow what , a pretty face is just a pretty face.
your personality to others , the way you react to your surroundings
defines you.

as i snap myself back to reality,
i remember i always have this thing in my mind.

be kind to others.
let they treat you badly , but never did the same to others.

which, i always told myself to hold that things inside myself constantly.
but i broke the rules i made.
i disobeyed
and did everything i promise to myself that i won't do.

frankly speaking , i'm so ashamed of myself.
yet i had the courage to judge others.
what a miserable me to live my life like this.

dear god,

i cursed too much.
i'm having bad thoughts circulated in my mind almost everyday.

this makes me hate myself, so much.

the effort , when you're trying to stay positive in an opposite surroundings
requires your mental's strength.

it's hard.
at least, for me.

i cried myself out when Allah tested me
and i blamed everything around me,
without checking myself , first.

bad.
too quick to assume things.

again, i hate myself.

so , this thought pulled me to go through this.

i wanna be like that lady, too.

but i had this fear, i might turned my back,
and did the same things as before.

with the malay word goes "sekadar cakap kosong"

i don't want to be that kind of person like that, again.
i have to wake my mind, im turning 21 this year.
i have to start get a grip.

but, can i?

this makes me goes nut.

bad people always try to brings you down,
but it's depend on you how to handle it.

i'm telling myself to start keep and save all the hatred inside me.
even if you dislike what you're having now.
remember,
every hardships comes ease.
stop whining.

in sha Allah, Allah have a better plan for you.


can i go through everything to make this resolution come true?
even it will costs me like hell?

idk.

but one thing i know,

i will try my best.

yes im alive.

just a random update to prove yguys i'm still alive
despite having a serious battlewar me and my life currently.
yes architecture somehow fucked me up

so , lemme bless my entry with my bangtan's gold eargasm words that i always long for it
whenever my spirit falls on the ground and i need to
pull myself back and fight to struggle for another day lel

had enough.

Have you ever felt like you have try your very best, but still you couldn't make it ?

you tasted the pain.
you let suffer hugged you tightly.
dissapoint kissed you many times.

but you endured.
you still going through all those things.

till

there's a little voice inside you whispered,
"you've had enough"

point of view.

And if people knew one's struggleness to live , will they change their point of view? Or they still keep it the same?

them whom full of themselves

wrote this under unstable state of mind.

The anger that eaten my mind and soul

because of these shitty creatures 

what's my fault for you to be so hard

towards my life?

I wish you guys would just become invinsible 

from my sight

just the smoke of ciggarates

useless and suffers others

What's inside your heart?

I've never been there sorry but no

that's such a disgusting place for my feet to step on

smelly, dark and ugly.

How can you lives your life?

leaving your shits around and still

can walk proudly?

Pathetic.

Good grades ? what? Being rich what?

You're poor inside your soul, poor soul

You was born for nothing except thirst for fame and pleasure

Open your eyes widely

There's so much more coming in this life
You wears gold and walk highly
stepping others down with pride selfishly

Maybe you won't realise that your gold
is a cover of parasit inside that can ended
your life just like you did to others
anytime while you being proud.

dear no one.

As much as i hate the idea of being loved or in loved,

i just can't resist the lyrics that makes so much sense.

What's the point of giving your heart and love,

for someone you barely know he/she will stood forever with you?

espektasi.

ekspektasi bagus.

cuma, bila berlebihan.

dia boleh membunuh jiwa dan jasad.