shr 2017!

so how is everyone's raya?

mine still, the same vibes.
cumanya, i couldnt grab anything. 

raya doesnt feels like raya before.
bila makin besar memang rasa macam ni ke? haha

maybe aku busy dengan intern before raya.
ikutkan hati nak sangat masa jalan laju sebab nak habis intern pastu yelah
been stayin at my friend's house kan

so , bila intern habis, maka puasa pun habis then terus nak raya. lahhh?
but still, the excitement still there.

cumanya, this year tak banyak tangkap gambar.
tak jalan raya memana pun bcs taktahulah
pagi raya after sembahyang raya terus pergi ziarah kubur arwah opah dengan atuk
then shoot to rumah ibu punya abang, lepak situ untill tengahari
then gerak rumah kampung balik
petang je jalan kejap rumah sedara

malam pertama raya tu semua busy sebab solat jemaah isyak
then buat sikit tahlil and khatam alquran then makan lah secara berjemaah juger.
i was wearing my raya's kurung dari pagi sampailah malam tu habis tahlil.
bayangkan. haha.

ok tu je. 

hahahahha damn kedengaran bosan gila.

tapi jangan risau, riuh rendah-ness family atok ipin always 120%

9 years ago punya zaman.

yo, aku baru lepas tengok balik KAMI the movie

seriously 9 years ago punya movie mayn! Zaman indie nak up

rebel punya zaman untuk dak dak 90's lol. 

a blessing in disguise punya phase ni. 

                     crush kat dia dulu haha

my kampung.

look, this place hold my soul because half of it lies here.

i walked to every part of the house, with a little heartache reminiscing all the good memories. 

aaaaa my favourite place!

gettin my own feet

Salam.


Lemme start this entry with some flashbacks of my previous life.

i was that kind of girl,
who's afraid to walk alone.

I was that kind of girl
who can't stand being left out.

i was that kind of girl
who can't open my mouth in large circle of friends

i was that kind of girl
who always needed a company to almost everywhere i go..

i was that kind of girl
who can't go to a crowd without lifting my head

i was that kind of girl
who cried herself out almost everynight hating her introverted life so much

i was weak
i lack of confidence in myself..
i hate myself so much

nothing can ever compared to how much
i've cursed myself my life
whining over this unfair what God has given to me

i was that ungrateful shit..
yes i am...


but somehow, literally after 10- 12 years..
i finally awake

after what i've been went through
after all those buckets of my tears wasted
after all those bunch of vulgar and shit words out from my mouth..
after all those pains and hurts in my chest..

and now i can proudly say,
i finally can stand on my own feet...

everything seems unbothered to me..
i dont really care..

i grew selfish in my heart
and i don't give a damn

i can still be kind and nice to others
but still , i need to keep myself from any harm right?
everyone else did the same tho..

Chin up , dear self,

              "There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
                        Someday you'll look back on all these days
                               And all this pain is gonna be invisible"

the real beauty.

Salam.

It's 2017 , for god sake.
How time flies, quickly.

so, i read almost everywhere people shared their resolution everytime new year approaches us.

and to be very honest,

i don't really bother about having one , before this.
not even once in my lifetime,
i ever made myself to have resolutions so that i'll work for it.


but maybe , twice at least kot lah?
during i had upsr and pmr.
which i determined to get straight a's .
tu je. hahaahhahha k.

but then , something hit me quite hard.
i blogwalked after a while .
reads a good piece from my mutual.

i found it's beautiful.

"my resolution is, to be a beautiful girl"

and i was like, whut.


"beautiful inside and out"


ok. twas , good. then.


then something striked inside my mind which,
"that's a humble resolution. really is"

nothing like,
" i want to study smart so that i get a decent job"
"i want to make more money than the last time i earned"
"i want to travel all around the world by myself"

which my point,
it doesnt costs you money
but maybe, costs you a  huge effort.

i adore her resolution.

being pretty is nothing if your attitude is totally the opposite.

i saw that.
thats very common when you hit 20's.

pretty girl everywhere.
but yknow what , a pretty face is just a pretty face.
your personality to others , the way you react to your surroundings
defines you.

as i snap myself back to reality,
i remember i always have this thing in my mind.

be kind to others.
let they treat you badly , but never did the same to others.

which, i always told myself to hold that things inside myself constantly.
but i broke the rules i made.
i disobeyed
and did everything i promise to myself that i won't do.

frankly speaking , i'm so ashamed of myself.
yet i had the courage to judge others.
what a miserable me to live my life like this.

dear god,

i cursed too much.
i'm having bad thoughts circulated in my mind almost everyday.

this makes me hate myself, so much.

the effort , when you're trying to stay positive in an opposite surroundings
requires your mental's strength.

it's hard.
at least, for me.

i cried myself out when Allah tested me
and i blamed everything around me,
without checking myself , first.

bad.
too quick to assume things.

again, i hate myself.

so , this thought pulled me to go through this.

i wanna be like that lady, too.

but i had this fear, i might turned my back,
and did the same things as before.

with the malay word goes "sekadar cakap kosong"

i don't want to be that kind of person like that, again.
i have to wake my mind, im turning 21 this year.
i have to start get a grip.

but, can i?

this makes me goes nut.

bad people always try to brings you down,
but it's depend on you how to handle it.

i'm telling myself to start keep and save all the hatred inside me.
even if you dislike what you're having now.
remember,
every hardships comes ease.
stop whining.

in sha Allah, Allah have a better plan for you.


can i go through everything to make this resolution come true?
even it will costs me like hell?

idk.

but one thing i know,

i will try my best.

yes im alive.

just a random update to prove yguys i'm still alive
despite having a serious battlewar me and my life currently.
yes architecture somehow fucked me up

so , lemme bless my entry with my bangtan's gold eargasm words that i always long for it
whenever my spirit falls on the ground and i need to
pull myself back and fight to struggle for another day lel

had enough.

Have you ever felt like you have try your very best, but still you couldn't make it ?

you tasted the pain.
you let suffer hugged you tightly.
dissapoint kissed you many times.

but you endured.
you still going through all those things.

till

there's a little voice inside you whispered,
"you've had enough"

point of view.

And if people knew one's struggleness to live , will they change their point of view? Or they still keep it the same?