Sunday, 23 April 2017

Intern-sickness.

Salam.

Not gonna rant about anything deep or whut but this's gonna be me updating my current life ; an internship student at an architecture firm.


So far so good, but not too well oh well because my progress quite slow than my friends, literally because my place is in the slow state of their business maybe they tryna get back to their stable position after just moved out from their old previous building.

So whut's interesting over there? Nothing much, my boss got no chill and really cold towards us but hey sometimes he treated us good food, i guess he's having love-hate towards his co-worker. He rarely smiles but there was a times he told us jokes and laughed at his own jokes. Well that's quite cute actually, no lies okay. Haha. 

His wife always stays by my boss's side because no other place when husb and wife are working together other than as boss-PA position lol. She had cold face and i really scared of her when i was there on the first day, but actually she's nice and tolerate-able person. Pretty  like no wonder boss has his heart to her gagagga why am I talking much about them whut an ass-stalker, Nadia!

On the first day, i'm such a nuisance to my cubicle-mate aka Topek, a very gentleman and composed guy but sigh he's getting married okay so no way no way no hard feelings okay but lel I don't even care much about that. And macha have guts to make me sit beside him which always left me awkwardly everyday along with thoughts "whut to say to him" "how should i greet him in the morning" but the efforts all went into trash bin because all the words I've been practicing to speak to him became sealed with my lips. Stupid introvert problem i got there. Like, every.single.time. Heol.


Thanked god, there are Abang sarf, kak Syaza and Kak farah ;) yes i can say they loosened up a bit the tense in the air during office hours or i'll died because of bored-ness strike. They're friendly, cool and fun person to be with. All thanks got to go to Abg sarf which always make us feels welcomed. Taughts us many things without even getting upset or mad or tempered because yes i'm a slow learner when it comes to using SketchUp and i remembered i asked like tons question , and he has to repeat couple of times, hihi. Sorry. He told us his experiences, his background etcccc manyyyyy things and yes even took us to lunchhhhhh ;)))) i always loves free foods sobs. Gotta repay him something before our inern ended.

But one thing makes me realised during at this time, earning money is so tiring like how did every single parents bear with it?! I reached home with sore and tired body , i wanted to doze off right after i throw myself on the bed but reality snapped me real hard that i am at somebody's home and hey where's your mannerrrrrr ?? So i have to endure everything yep go prepare food , eat , watch tv and chit chat sesh afterwards , i may excuse myself . What a long day :(

I'll write more later :)
bye.


Monday, 17 April 2017

Re-battle.

Salam.

There's a time i really wanna utter all what i felt inside, but I couldn't express it well now. And knowing myself, i've been trying hard to keep my thought to myself only, because I don't want to sound like a weak, clingy and bragging girl especially when I'm reaching 20's. I should become  less dependent to others and learn to stand alone strongly.

I kept all my sorrows and sad feelings. I shut it down from my parents. My sister knew a bit. My brother know none. I'd rather show my joy and laugh with them, because I really have no heart to let them know about all my struggles i had to endure. People hurts me, so much. I learnt from the hard way. I swallowed it. Back at home, i shared what makes me happy while i am away from them. 

Untill this recently event happened, when my Ibu realised, I haven't talk to them something deep, or let them know if i'm having hard times. I froze. Not knowing how to start. My chest hurts. "Ayah kata dya tak pernah nak share apa apa" "Lepasni kalau ada apa apa, ceritalah" 
It hurts...
so much...


Gawd idk how to picture this feeling out but goddamnit what have i done? For the first time i felt so guilty for letting myself to become something that turned out to hurt my own family's heart? I really thought this might be a good thing for myself but that's where i totally went wrong. 
I neglected other's feelings. The closest one. My own family.

And frankly speaking, what hurts the most is, i shut everything tightly and now i'm struggle to re-open everything back. It hurts. I want to tell them how hard it was for me back then and what i've went  through everything, i wanted to tell them i cried everynight because i'm hurting but i really find that's hard. Idk how. I felt so much sorry for my parents. I'm feeling that i was such a bad daughter to them. All because I don't want to make my parents worry over me. 


Things are so messy right now. I'm starting to battle with myself back. But this time, i  became drained easily. I need to hold this down a little longer, than before ;((







Sunday, 2 April 2017

The line.

Assalamualaikum.


This's gonna be so random to spill my tea pasal antara kekeluargaan dengan persahabatan. And noted, i'm talking this entirely about me. No one involved for the long time i have thought about this.

Honestly, aku tak boleh nak nafikan yang aku sememangnya seorang yang kasih dekat family more than anything. Yes, i am a clingy daughter to my parents and a clingy sister to both my older sister and younger brother. We had a very close bond between each other which i dearly love them so so unconditionally.

Growing up as a shy and an introvert, i hate crowded. I can't recall i have bestfriend during i was a kid bcs i literally really move around all alone and by myself, not knowing how to make one. I was dissed by other, i am ugly back then, i am not a silver spoon kind of family , and to make it worse i really didnt know how mingle and blend with others. Thats the beginning of my dark phase which i really hate talking with people around me except my family. 

Thank god, masa sekolah menengah i had this one girl yang extrovert approached me and we became bestfriend immediately bcs miracle-ly we get along very well yes my izzati. I learnt to make friend and adapt with others with izzati by my side. And from that point, i gained friends. From nugu to somebody. I had good times during 13-15 yrs old. But those happy times tak lasts long. I went through hell storms and hurricanes when i went to boarding school. My 2nd dark phase begun. I changed 180 deg. But God make us went through hardships so that we can turned out to be more stronger and wiser than before, with the saying goes 'Rainbow after storms', i got into PLKN after high school ended with such memorable experiences, friends and environmental. 

And make it to, Uitm Perak . Holy shit im off from the track very far. And here come i want to talk about this thing. Why do we often hurts someone we loved than we don't?. It hurts me, to realised it by now. After what i've done all this time. I am so ashamed of myself. 

Eventhough imma a family-girl but there's times i became so hard headed. Yes, i had bad thoughts, i cursed a lot, too, i had guts to raise my voice to my parents when things don't go my way or meet my expectation, gawd im teary so hard to not let any sobs out from my mouth.  My parents always sabr, to handle this stoned-heart girl, and never tired to say i'm still their lil girl while embracing me in their arms, comfort me when i whined over small things. I hate myself. I'm such a nuisance.

And things rarely happen when i am with my circle. Yes, sometimes we also having fights, normal but it's not that bad as i acted ugly-ly with my family. We also had times yang kita terasa but do we let tjem know? Me no. Then after that, things back to normal. Except for one single person i won't spill her name here. 

By now, i became heartless to other people except my family. I don't give a damn if they hurt me bcs i had no energy to fight them back then need to ask for forgiveness i literally drained from doing that thing for quite a long time. Malas. Lantak kau lah. Dah besar. People around always gives me feeling yang im better off alone. Aku tak hurt kau dan kau pun takkan hurt aku. Thats how i thought . Mean? Yes. Say what you want. Cuma ramai kata, dalam dunia ni kita tak boleh hidup sendiri maka orang lain yang wujud dalam dunia aku sekadar syarat je untuk hidup aku. Except families, and adalah beberapa orang aku boleh anggap dia part of hidup aku, taknak spill nama.

Thats it, i draw the line. Aku nak jaga family aku more than anything, semua yang pernah ada dengan aku dulu dah beransur pergi one by one, sebab apa? Takpe, biar aku je yang hold the reason . Just like we always heard, 'people come and go'. 

This's not the end but i gotta put an end here or I will get drench with my own tears.