Monday, 23 January 2017

gettin my own feet


Lemme start this entry with some flashbacks of my previous life.

i was that kind of girl,
who's afraid to walk alone.

I was that kind of girl
who can't stand being left out.

i was that kind of girl
who can't open my mouth in large circle of friends

i was that kind of girl
who always needed a company to almost everywhere i go..

i was that kind of girl
who can't go to a crowd without lifting my head

i was that kind of girl
who cried herself out almost everynight hating her introverted life so much

i was weak
i lack of confidence in myself..
i hate myself so much

nothing can ever compared to how much
i've cursed myself my life
whining over this unfair what God has given to me

i was that ungrateful shit..
yes i am...

but somehow, literally after 10- 12 years..
i finally awake

after what i've been went through
after all those buckets of my tears wasted
after all those bunch of vulgar and shit words out from my mouth..
after all those pains and hurts in my chest..

and now i can proudly say,
i finally can stand on my own feet...

everything seems unbothered to me..
i dont really care..

i grew selfish in my heart
and i don't give a damn

i can still be kind and nice to others
but still , i need to keep myself from any harm right?
everyone else did the same tho..

Chin up , dear self,

              "There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
                        Someday you'll look back on all these days
                               And all this pain is gonna be invisible"

Thursday, 12 January 2017

beautiful inside out


It's 2k17 , for god sake.
How time flies, quickly.

so, i read almost everywhere people shared their resolution everytime new year approaches us.

and to be very honest,

i don't really bother about having one , before this.
not even once in my lifetime,
i ever made myself to have resolutions so that i'll work for it.

but maybe , twice at least kot lah?
during i had upsr and pmr.
which i determined to get straight a's .
tu je. hahaahhahha k.

but then , something hit me quite hard.
i blogwalked after a while .
reads a good piece from my mutuals.

i found it's beautiful.

"my resolution is, to be a beautiful girl"

and i was like, whut.

"beautiful inside and out"

ok. twas , good. then.

then something striked inside my mind which,
"that's a humble resolution. really is"

nothing like,
" i want to work smart so that i get a decent job"
"i want to make more money than the last time i earned"
"i want to travel all around the world by myself"

which my point,
it doesnt costs you money
but maybe, costs you huge effort.

i adore her resolution.

being pretty is nothing if your attitude is totally the opposite.

i saw that.
thats very common when you hit 20's.

pretty girl everywhere.
but yknow what , a pretty face is just a pretty face.
your personality to others , the way you react to your surroundings
defines you.

as i snap myself back to reality,
i remember i always this thing in my mind.

be kind to others.
let they treat you badly , but never did the same to others.

which, i always told myself to hold that things inside myself constantly.
but i break it.
i disobey
and did everything i promise to myself that i won't do.

frankly speaking , i'm so ashamed of myself.
yet i had the courage to judge others.
what a miserable me to live my life like this.

dear god,

i cursed too much.
i'm having bad thoughts circulated in my mind almost everyday.

this makes me hate myself, so much.

the effort , when you're trying to stay positive in an opposite surroundings
requires your mental's strength.

it's hard.
at least, for me.

i cried myself out when Allah tested me
and i blamed everything around me,
without checking myself , first.

too quick to assume things.

again, i hate myself.

so , this thoughts pulled me to go through this.

i wanna be like that lady, too.

but i had this fear, i might turned my back,
and did the same things as before.

with the malay word goes "sekadar cakap kosong"

i don't want to be that kind of person like that, again.
i have to wake my mind, im turning 21 this year.
i have to start get a grip.

but, can i?

this makes me goes nut.

bad people always try to brings you down,
but it's depend on you how to handle it.

i'm telling myself to start keep and save all the hatred inside me.
even if you dislike what you're having now.
every hardsships comes ease.
stop whining.

in sha Allah, Allah have a better plan for you.

can i go through everything to make this resolution come true?
even it will costs me like hell?


Wednesday, 11 January 2017

just a random update to prove yguys i'm still alive
despite having a serious battlewar me and my life currently.
yes architecture somehow fucked me up

so , lemme bless my entry with my bangtan's gold eargasm words that i always long for it
whenever my spirit falls on the ground and i need to
pull myself back and fight to struggle for another day lel