Monday, 3 July 2017

raya this year :)

Assalamualaikum.


guess i still can wish here, selamat hari raya! haha. lama tak tulis sini.
phew, baru jadi student belum kahwin and etc tapi masa nak lepak sini totally hard!
so how's everyone raya?

mine still, the same vibes.
cumanya, seriously time's walking too fast.
i couldnt grab anything. raya doesnt feels so much like raya before.
bila makin besar memang rasa macam ni ke?

lol maybe aku busy dengan intern before raya.
ikutkan hati nak sangat masa jalan laju sebab nak habis intern pastu yelah
been stayin at my friend's house so rasa tak manis nak buat kuak lentang sendiri ikut perangai suka hati yelah,
adab kat rumah orang heipp.

so , bila intern habis, maka puasa pun habis then terus nak raya. lahhh?
so not kewl lah.
but then still, the excitement still there.
on the way nak balik kampung still got that kid's punya feelings
lyke yayyy balikkk kampung sambil jamming ikut radio kan.
haha.

cumanya, this year tak banyak tangkap gambar.
tak jalan raya memana pun bcs taktahulah
pagi raya after sembahyang raya terus pergi ziarah kubur arwah opah dengan atuk
then shoot to rumah ibu punya abang, lepak situ untill tengahari
then gerak rumah kampung balik
petang je jalan kejap rumah sedara isteri abang ibu
malam pertama raya tu semua busy as heck sebab solat jemaah isyak
then buat sikit tahlil and khatam alquran then makan lah secara berjemaah juger.
i was wearing my raya's kurung dari pagi sampailah malam tu habis tahlil.
bayangkan.

and yeah, aku pun tak lama kat kampung sangat raya this year sebab kakak exam.
so raya kedua dah balik nogori rumah pak andak then lawat pak uda.
itu aje.

but this week saved my raya!

pak uda belah ibu datang.
we had so much fun.
aku banyak kali lepak putrajaya tengok yang beca lampu lampu kayuh sdn bhd
tapi tak pernah naik lol
datang pak uda lmao naik!
then shoot to dataran prect 3, having small picnic lah then main rollerblade
((why rollerblade damn susah)) tak paham betul.


basically, thats how i spent my raya.
nothing much, but i did enjoy everything.
family time always best :')))))



Sunday, 4 June 2017

Felt like to write,  but seriously i am so sucks pouring my feelings out now.

How ironic life is when we wish to be surrounded with such an uplifting surrounding and positive vibes but turned out that we , ourselves being the cold ones?
I don't know how this thing became intense in my thinking mind but i am sure this happens to me a lot and people around me, too.

Oh sad life.

Ugly-ly, we hoped people would start to change themselves but we remain spreading the negativity. SO not cool duh. We sounded really like we had no brain lol. The truth when we wanna see changes happen, we must to start work on it by shaping ourselves first.  Isn it?






Sunday, 7 May 2017

9 years ago punya zaman

Yolo aku baru lepas tengok balik KAMI the movie, seriously 9 years ago punya movie mayn! Zaman indie nak up, rebel punya zaman untuk dak dak 90's lol. What a good way to relive the memories back! Aku hidup zaman tu weh, zaman yang boleh dikirakan a blessing in disguise. Even quite dark but then, i got a 'thing' from it. Sekarang semua dah besar, LJ is now a mother for 2 kids! Nas-T dengan Jue evans pun dah kahwin lmao. Tak sangka betul.

This is how destiny lead us to. Moga aku ada pengakhiran yang baik juga. 

                     Crush lama

Monday, 1 May 2017

While being at kampung

Salam.


Hi y'all i just got back from my dearest hometown. Nothing much changed except my mak yah just got a little touch from other people to re-paint the old wood wall which the colours almost faded. Time flies so fast, the last time i remembered the wall painted by my arwah Atok, about 10-12 years ago? So yeah, definitely the wall needed to have new 'cloth' to cover up its old colour. And mak yah looks so happy with the new vibes after that. Glad to witness that, like after finalleh. Haha. I'm missed my kampung so bad that i almost found myself would spacing out, like every single time tryna collect my thoughts left there.

Luckily i brought along my laptop yeah with my holy-disk which means a world to me because it full with my lavhhhh sigh whut do you expect from meh my fangirl stuff, bangtan thingy and so on. My sister literally did a very good job dragged me to watch bon voyage. Because up till now I haven't khatam kan the whole ep. Lmao and you dare to call urself a true Army, Nadia big fat useless. Gagag. It sure saved me before boredness hit me up.

Cut it out, i had really good times catching up all the memories with my mom and sister. We talked and laughed till extent to sobbing real hard because there's always a bitter things we tasted in our life. To be honest, everytime i went back to kampung, i felt recharged. It feels like the healing time for myself. I couldn't deny that, half of my soul lies at kampung. It held so many memories of mine when i was a kid and every each of em has brought so much colours and joy to me. Ahhhhh i wish i could turn back time. What a good old days, really.



I walked to every part of the house, with a little heartache. Every part of the house held its own stories to tell. Mine, mom ,sister ,cousin, all of us to sum it up. And I'll always cherishes that. I am so glad i still got somewhere in this world to call my hometown. Like really, a hometown. A place you'll gather when its Raya time. You get to lost in the embrace of your grandparents the moment you jumped out of the car. You play with your cousin. Fireworkkkk after a month of fasting yay! Whut a blessed me to be grant to all of this.



So re-climbing back the memories sure can make me smile a sec then get into a cloudy mood. Time is moving. Not everyone will stay by our side forever. I learnt that being an adult is more than being an adult. After went through some hard times losing my loves one, i always need to prepare myself to accept the lost of people around me. 2008 was when i learnt about this when my Atok left us. Followed by my opah in 2011 ;(( i felt like half of me was taken away. Losing my grandparents is... Unbearable, idk how ibu handled her feelings. Raya is not as happy as Raya before. And recently, my very sporting and nice uncle, passed away at the very young age ;(. I cried every night, everytime i had thoughts when some day my parents, would also left me behind. As much as i hope that will never happen, but that's how life's works, right? ya allah, please protect my family from any harm, ya Rabb.

3 days been there, watching the heavy rain poured out every evening. I love the scent, yknow the pretichor. The smell of it. The vibe. Im sucks at explaining it but whut i can tell is i am in love with that situation. During rainy days. Looking out thru the window, watching the cars motorcycles lorry etc passed by. My kampung isn't the same like before, too. The old people started to leave for a better place ;) It become less busy than before ;(. Im looking forward during Raya so that the road, the houses there will be filled with cars, people and the riuh rendah-ness so that the atmosphere wont feels that quiet and lonely. sorry dont how to explain that in english hahah.



These thoughts, when i start to organize it back, i came to a conclusion. This's what makes me wont give up in everything i does. How hard when my day was, when i started to give up, i need to remember all this. I had so much fun everytime am at kampung with my family. I need to hang in there a little bit so that i'll get to taste the sweetness of the feelings again. I got to climbed back all the memories because i went throught it. Time has brought me into it. If i ended it, how would i get to cherish it? I need to endure the bitterness of this life for the sake of good memories waiting ahead. Right? gagag. Wait Gawd whut a long ass-rant. Hahah.

Aite, i'll end here ;) . Talk to you again laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.



P/s: I succeed wearing kain batik for two whole dayyyy straight okay yayy.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

Intern-sickness.

Salam.

Not gonna rant about anything deep or whut but this's gonna be me updating my current life ; an internship student at an architecture firm.


So far so good, but not too well oh well because my progress quite slow than my friends, literally because my place is in the slow state of their business maybe they tryna get back to their stable position after just moved out from their old previous building.

So whut's interesting over there? Nothing much, my boss got no chill and really cold towards us but hey sometimes he treated us good food, i guess he's having love-hate towards his co-worker. He rarely smiles but there was a times he told us jokes and laughed at his own jokes. Well that's quite cute actually, no lies okay. Haha. 

His wife always stays by my boss's side because no other place when husb and wife are working together other than as boss-PA position lol. She had cold face and i really scared of her when i was there on the first day, but actually she's nice and tolerate-able person. Pretty  like no wonder boss has his heart to her gagagga why am I talking much about them whut an ass-stalker, Nadia!

On the first day, i'm such a nuisance to my cubicle-mate aka Topek, a very gentleman and composed guy but sigh he's getting married okay so no way no way no hard feelings okay but lel I don't even care much about that. And macha have guts to make me sit beside him which always left me awkwardly everyday along with thoughts "whut to say to him" "how should i greet him in the morning" but the efforts all went into trash bin because all the words I've been practicing to speak to him became sealed with my lips. Stupid introvert problem i got there. Like, every.single.time. Heol.


Thanked god, there are Abang sarf, kak Syaza and Kak farah ;) yes i can say they loosened up a bit the tense in the air during office hours or i'll died because of bored-ness strike. They're friendly, cool and fun person to be with. All thanks got to go to Abg sarf which always make us feels welcomed. Taughts us many things without even getting upset or mad or tempered because yes i'm a slow learner when it comes to using SketchUp and i remembered i asked like tons question , and he has to repeat couple of times, hihi. Sorry. He told us his experiences, his background etcccc manyyyyy things and yes even took us to lunchhhhhh ;)))) i always loves free foods sobs. Gotta repay him something before our inern ended.

But one thing makes me realised during at this time, earning money is so tiring like how did every single parents bear with it?! I reached home with sore and tired body , i wanted to doze off right after i throw myself on the bed but reality snapped me real hard that i am at somebody's home and hey where's your mannerrrrrr ?? So i have to endure everything yep go prepare food , eat , watch tv and chit chat sesh afterwards , i may excuse myself . What a long day :(

I'll write more later :)
bye.


Monday, 17 April 2017

Re-battle.

Salam.

There's a time i really wanna utter all what i felt inside, but I couldn't express it well now. And knowing myself, i've been trying hard to keep my thought to myself only, because I don't want to sound like a weak, clingy and bragging girl especially when I'm reaching 20's. I should become  less dependent to others and learn to stand alone strongly.

I kept all my sorrows and sad feelings. I shut it down from my parents. My sister knew a bit. My brother know none. I'd rather show my joy and laugh with them, because I really have no heart to let them know about all my struggles i had to endure. People hurts me, so much. I learnt from the hard way. I swallowed it. Back at home, i shared what makes me happy while i am away from them. 

Untill this recently event happened, when my Ibu realised, I haven't talk to them something deep, or let them know if i'm having hard times. I froze. Not knowing how to start. My chest hurts. "Ayah kata dya tak pernah nak share apa apa" "Lepasni kalau ada apa apa, ceritalah" 
It hurts...
so much...


Gawd idk how to picture this feeling out but goddamnit what have i done? For the first time i felt so guilty for letting myself to become something that turned out to hurt my own family's heart? I really thought this might be a good thing for myself but that's where i totally went wrong. 
I neglected other's feelings. The closest one. My own family.

And frankly speaking, what hurts the most is, i shut everything tightly and now i'm struggle to re-open everything back. It hurts. I want to tell them how hard it was for me back then and what i've went  through everything, i wanted to tell them i cried everynight because i'm hurting but i really find that's hard. Idk how. I felt so much sorry for my parents. I'm feeling that i was such a bad daughter to them. All because I don't want to make my parents worry over me. 


Things are so messy right now. I'm starting to battle with myself back. But this time, i  became drained easily. I need to hold this down a little longer, than before ;((







Sunday, 2 April 2017

The line.

Assalamualaikum.


This's gonna be so random to spill my tea pasal antara kekeluargaan dengan persahabatan. And noted, i'm talking this entirely about me. No one involved for the long time i have thought about this.

Honestly, aku tak boleh nak nafikan yang aku sememangnya seorang yang kasih dekat family more than anything. Yes, i am a clingy daughter to my parents and a clingy sister to both my older sister and younger brother. We had a very close bond between each other which i dearly love them so so unconditionally.

Growing up as a shy and an introvert, i hate crowded. I can't recall i have bestfriend during i was a kid bcs i literally really move around all alone and by myself, not knowing how to make one. I was dissed by other, i am ugly back then, i am not a silver spoon kind of family , and to make it worse i really didnt know how mingle and blend with others. Thats the beginning of my dark phase which i really hate talking with people around me except my family. 

Thank god, masa sekolah menengah i had this one girl yang extrovert approached me and we became bestfriend immediately bcs miracle-ly we get along very well yes my izzati. I learnt to make friend and adapt with others with izzati by my side. And from that point, i gained friends. From nugu to somebody. I had good times during 13-15 yrs old. But those happy times tak lasts long. I went through hell storms and hurricanes when i went to boarding school. My 2nd dark phase begun. I changed 180 deg. But God make us went through hardships so that we can turned out to be more stronger and wiser than before, with the saying goes 'Rainbow after storms', i got into PLKN after high school ended with such memorable experiences, friends and environmental. 

And make it to, Uitm Perak . Holy shit im off from the track very far. And here come i want to talk about this thing. Why do we often hurts someone we loved than we don't?. It hurts me, to realised it by now. After what i've done all this time. I am so ashamed of myself. 

Eventhough imma a family-girl but there's times i became so hard headed. Yes, i had bad thoughts, i cursed a lot, too, i had guts to raise my voice to my parents when things don't go my way or meet my expectation, gawd im teary so hard to not let any sobs out from my mouth.  My parents always sabr, to handle this stoned-heart girl, and never tired to say i'm still their lil girl while embracing me in their arms, comfort me when i whined over small things. I hate myself. I'm such a nuisance.

And things rarely happen when i am with my circle. Yes, sometimes we also having fights, normal but it's not that bad as i acted ugly-ly with my family. We also had times yang kita terasa but do we let tjem know? Me no. Then after that, things back to normal. Except for one single person i won't spill her name here. 

By now, i became heartless to other people except my family. I don't give a damn if they hurt me bcs i had no energy to fight them back then need to ask for forgiveness i literally drained from doing that thing for quite a long time. Malas. Lantak kau lah. Dah besar. People around always gives me feeling yang im better off alone. Aku tak hurt kau dan kau pun takkan hurt aku. Thats how i thought . Mean? Yes. Say what you want. Cuma ramai kata, dalam dunia ni kita tak boleh hidup sendiri maka orang lain yang wujud dalam dunia aku sekadar syarat je untuk hidup aku. Except families, and adalah beberapa orang aku boleh anggap dia part of hidup aku, taknak spill nama.

Thats it, i draw the line. Aku nak jaga family aku more than anything, semua yang pernah ada dengan aku dulu dah beransur pergi one by one, sebab apa? Takpe, biar aku je yang hold the reason . Just like we always heard, 'people come and go'. 

This's not the end but i gotta put an end here or I will get drench with my own tears. 



Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Why is it so hard to control your own self-thoughts?